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Jan Esmann, born on January 18, 1960 in Copenhagen at 20:35, is a unique individual with a special spiritual calling. He identifies as an avadhut, which means he was born already liberated and does not conform to any particular spiritual tradition or societal norms. Avadhuts like Jan are often hard to find as they tend to lead a reclusive lifestyle, hiding away in caves or huts, or even living as regular people but dedicating their time to spiritual practices.
Jan is a humble person and prefers not to talk about himself too much, as he believes that his identity is merely a temporary concept, just like his physical body. He emphasizes that this is true for everyone, and that we are not defined by what we think we are.
Despite his preference for privacy, Jan has agreed to share some details about his early years, up until around the year 2000. It is clear that Jan’s unique spiritual journey has led him to live life in a way that is different from the norm, but it is also clear that he approaches this with humility and compassion for all beings.
Jan in Shambala, Sweden 2021
When I was a baby, I used to enter a state where I felt filled with love-bliss and my body became immobile. I called it “the log” as I couldn’t move, and it happened spontaneously while I was relaxing in my crib or bed. This continued until my early teens, but less frequently. I had a deep longing for God, which would make me cry spontaneously in a church, and I felt a rush of energy in my body. My parents didn’t understand or support me because they were hard-core materialists. As a young teenager, I began listening to classical music, and during those sessions, I would feel like I was floating out of my body, but I was just extremely relaxed and filled with joy. Later, when I started meditating regularly, the bliss would manifest again.
I had my first proper meditation experience when I was 15, which was a truly remarkable experience. I sat in the lotus posture without knowing much about meditation, and after a few minutes, my kundalini awakened with such force that it threw me out of my body. I felt extreme ecstasy and swung violently from side to side while hanging in space above my body. Although my heart was beating like mad and I was sweating profusely, I felt that nothing bad was happening. However, when I shared my experience with my family, they thought I had lost it, and I decided to keep my spiritual life secret from then on.
Inspired by my experience, I decided to learn proper meditation and got initiated to TM, which gave me many blissful experiences. Although I experienced extreme ecstasy frequently, I didn’t leave my body as violently as the first time, which allowed me to integrate the bliss with my physical being and merge into calm bliss. I often went into non-consciousness and awakened after 30 minutes, thinking I had just closed my eyes, but I was filled with bliss. However, I decided to keep these experiences to myself, as my teacher couldn’t understand them. A few years went by like this, until…
At the age of 19, I experienced a remarkable breakthrough that filled me with an intense longing for God. I saw an eye that pulled me towards a blue pearl, which I entered and found myself in an infinite blue space of pure consciousness and bliss. Out of the blue, a Blue Being emerged and I merged with God and lost consciousness. When I awoke, I saw God in everything and experienced God-consciousness. Despite the lack of guidance from spiritual guides, I embraced this divine experience and my life has been forever changed. I am now in love with God in everything and have a profound connection to the divine that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
In 1983, I was in a state of depression from having lost the connection to God I had experienced two years prior. Knowing I needed a guru, I left the TM movement and became a disciple of Gururaj Ananda Yogi. During the first workshop I attended with him, he sensed my distress and provided me with a compassionate message. Six months later, I experienced a profound spiritual awakening as I served him his supper. In this moment, my small self vanished and I was filled with extreme bliss and love for my guru. When asked my name, I could not answer as I was completely nothing. He then touched my forehead and asked me to look into his palm. I remembered a past life as a pupil of a great master and Guruji began telling the story to the meditation teacher. He then asked me if I remembered and I replied affirmatively. Guruji then instructed me to go to bed, leaving me in awe. Through the grace of Gururaj, I was able to experience a profound spiritual awakening and the connection to my true self.
After breaking down my identification mechanism and experiencing Self-realization, I realized that there was still a subtle principle that needed to go away. Without help from my guru, I began meditating in my own way and discovered the contagious nature of the state I was in during meditation, leading me to teach others how to enter samadhi and experience the bliss of the Self. Despite trying to live a normal life and pursuing a university degree and career, I struggled with depression and found traditional therapy to be a waste of time as I was no longer the person undergoing therapy. Through my journey, I found that true self-discovery and enlightenment comes from within and can be achieved through personalized meditation practices.
Remember, I had lived in divine consciousness, so to me the state I had achieved was nothing and I did not value it at all. I intensely longed for full enlightenment and full Self-realization; the state of love-bliss. At this time I became a devotee of Mata Amritanandamayi. I immediately asked her if she would take me to full enlightenment and she promised to do that. I kept worging ardently on getting my kundalini out of the root chakra and into the spine in its entirety, and also on getting it into my brain, but did not have much luck for many years.
I had experienced a lot of success with initiating others with my shakti and experiencing tremendous bliss, but my personal sadhana was going nowhere. I had a strong desire to have kundalini out of hiding, into my brain, and merge Shakti and Shiva and Jan into Oneness. So, I set a rigorous program for myself and meditated on kundalini for six hours in a single sitting every day for about four months. Eventually, one day, the entire kundalini crept out of the root chakra and entered the spine, leading to a connection being established between my kundalini and brain. The experience was indescribable, with extreme lovebliss being felt. This was one of the greatest blessings I have ever received as a spiritual aspirant.
After practicing meditation for some time, I started experiencing kriyas, which are involuntary movements caused by the awakening of the kundalini energy. The kriyas were so strong that I could no longer meditate for more than a few minutes. I then received shaktipat initiation from Anandi Ma, which established a strong connection between my kundalini energy and my brain. I placed a rosebud on my head during a specific meditation, and I felt a strong energy drill into my brain and down my spine. After that, I was able to get kundalini into my brain when meditating. The love-bliss I felt during meditation began to fill me more frequently outside of meditation, but I still felt a sense of duality.
What happens beyond this period cannot be put in words. But any avadhoot will understand. And I will share it with you non-verbally when we work together and meditate together. It is the secret of the siddhas.
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